And now for something completely different. Oh wait, just kidding.
Last night, after a long night of working followed by heavy drinking with friends, I had the grand intention of going home and passing out while watching new eps of Happy Endings. Instead I found myself squatting in front of my building with the entire contents of my purse dumped out on the stoop. My apartment keys had fallen off my key chain. I proceeded to tear my car apart to no avail because a) it was 2:45am and thus pitch black out and b) it was 2:45am and thus I was pretty darn drunk. No keys.
It’s nights like this that I get upset that I don’t have a boyfriend to lean on, but luckily my friend Alex is a night owl and was awake when I called him asking to crash at his place. He offered to drive my drunk ass around to retrace my steps from the day. I called the bar and looked around where my car was parked. Then I peeked around in front of the deli I had lunch at and wandered around in front of my restaurant. They probably have some sketchy looking footage of some dark figure limping around their properties with a flashlight at 3:30 am. Still no keys.
So this morning I had to call my building manager to get new keys, 50 bucks down the drain. By the way he just LOVES me lately; not only am I suing them for my broken foot, last week my ceiling started leaking, a window pane fell out and half the outlets in my apartment stopped working. But when I got in my car to go meet him I decided to do a sober, daylight-aided car search for my keys. I dug and dug and then I saw a gold glint! Stuffed way down between my seats were my house keys!
So all that stressing last night was pretty much for naught. I’ll just add this to my growing list of stupid shit that has been happening in the last 6 weeks. I need a goddamn vacation from my life.
running into your super epic crush’s best friend at the bar and having him tell you, “oh man i was just saying to [redacted], ‘you know who i miss? morgan. that chick is so cool! we should hang out with her more!’”
thanks for keepin my awesomeness fresh in his mind, dude.
“I don’t have hobbies anymore. I always tried to get a hobby. I tried, like, model airplanes when I was a little kid. I tried sports. I tried all kinds of things and the only thing I was ever good at and excelled at above all the other kids was watching television. So now I’ve just stopped being ashamed of it and I just love sitting around and watching TV. Really good at it.”—
yesterday i went to my new apartment building to sign the lease, write some checks and get my keys. i decided to take the grand tour of the building so i would know where the laundry room is, which mailbox is mine and how to get to the dumpster. i opened the door on the second floor to the external staircase that leads down to the alley. it was the sketchiest old rickety wooden staircase but you know, people take this staircase everyday, whatever!
i take two steps and *BOOM* the plank gives way and i’m falling, falling. i fell 13 feet straight down at least a story to the last bit of stairs, which broke my fall by breaking themselves, and then onto the concrete landing.
i have constant nightmares of falling and i realized that the thoughts you have while dream falling and reality falling are pretty much the same: “i can’t really be falling. i’m sure it’s only about 5 feet. i should be hitting something by now. why am i not landing? if i flail maybe i can grab onto something. how long have i been falling? how much further till i hit the ground? the more i fall the more the landing will hurt! HOLY FUCK THAT DID HURT!”
i crumpled to the ground and let out the worst string of screams, cries and expletives. two neighbors came running and helped me. on my adrenaline high i was able to get up, walk back up and down some stairs to my car, call my landlord, my friend and my dad, and then proceed to drive myself to the emergency room. it was once i started walking/hobbling into the ER that the adrenaline started wearing off and the pain started setting in. tears were streaming down my face as i walked in and the check in girl looked pretty astonished that i was walking in on my own.
so long story short, i broke my fucking foot. the navicular bone to be exact. my stomach and back are covered in scrapes from falling between the steps, my body is turning black and blue very quickly and i feel like i participated in a boxing match with 10 robots. i have to wear this damned boot for 6 weeks, moving into my new apartment on wednesday is going to be expensive now that i have to hire hands, i’m going to lose income since i can’t work for 2-3 weeks and going through a lawsuit with my new building is going to be terrible.
but you know what? i fell straight down a story and just broke a tiny foot bone! i could have broken my leg, or spine or head and i just broke a tiny bone! i get it universe, you’re trying to kill me. in 2 weeks i’ve had 5 stitches, 3 xrays, an MRI, 2 hospital visits, a busted knee and a broken foot but otherwise i am FINE. i am the queen of crazy accidents. when i was 11 i fell off the stairs breaking my wrist and killing a tooth, once my scooter was totaled in an accident and i just had a swollen knee, i’ve had 2 skiing accidents tearing my ACL and meniscus, and now i’ve fallen through a staircase. universe, i can take whatever you throw at me, literally, and i will walk away from it. bring it fucking on.