i’ve been having a rough time with life lately and last night at work was a particular doozy which prompted a coworker to recommend that i take a vacation. he was right, i desperately need some off time and i realized i haven’t been on a vacation in years. hell, i haven’t left the state since i went to visit andrew in d.c. in april last year (sleeping on college students’ couches does not a vacation make).
the problem is i don’t really have anywhere to go or anyone to go with. so i started this morning by looking at average august temperatures in phili and new york (to go visit andrew) and i concluded i need to go somewhere cooler than denver. so i had google maps open in one window and kayak open in the other. i could find a cheap flight somewhere and just stay in a hostel. a getaway for just me. but nowhere looks interesting. next thing i knew i was looking at prices for all inclusive resorts, alaskan cruises, and flights to london and new zealand. things with price tags that rival my bank account. i even looked at singles cruises, ugh. (btw sololady.com is a magical website. “Welcome to your Solo Lady community, created for single women everywhere. We’ll help you realize and enjoy the many options and opportunities of living solo.” oh! i’m solo, not single! thanks! and HELLOO geocities blingies!)
i could find a cheap hotel deal in las vegas and just wander around in air conditioning and eat well. or just point my finger at a map and go to some random town in the US i’ve never been to, like providence or des moines or eugene and find a love for it. i just need to be somewhere that is not hot and that is not here.
“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.”— Iyanla Vanzant (via onherway)
have you ever told a friend “oh man you have to watch (some movie)! it’s so hilarious/sad/beautiful/full of pretty people doing sexy things.” so you and them sit down and watch it and then about 10 minutes in you realize that there’s some random storyline in the movie that you completely forgot about but that is frighteningly relevant to you and your friend’s situation. and now you’re watching it with them and it’s palpably awkward because it’s so obviously relevant and it looks like you’re some crazyperson who secretly wanted them to watch it for that one peripheral storyline.
no? anyone? well, wet hot american summer got way awkward yesterday guys.
as an active participant to helping a few guys cheat on their girlfriends, i feel that i have a front row perspective to the phenomenon. first, let me clarify, that i never helped a guy cheat out of malicious intent or straight sluttyness. in two of the occasions i was completely in the dark that the guy was in a relationship, in the others i believed that a breakup was imminent (it never happened), and in every case i was head over heels crazy about the guy. in fact, two of them i was/am very much in love with.
but the interesting thing that i’ve discovered is that if you had asked the guy, he would probably say that what we had done would not constitute “cheating”. they would say this because in every instance there was a line that the guy would not cross. those lines were generally A) it’s not cheating as long as there was no actual p in the v sex, everything else is ok* and B) it’s not cheating as long as there’s no kissing, you can do it all just no lip-locking*. then there’s the A-B combo, no kissykissy and no fucking. i think that in case A the justification is that he’s not betraying his lady physically and in case B he’s not betraying her emotionally.
over time i’ve slowly started to notice these trends because i’m not the one skipping over (significant) steps; i always want to kiss and have sex. in my relationships i generally let the guy take the reins and set the pace of the relationship so i can sense what they actually want out of it. is it casual? is it serious? if he’s taking the lead then it’s easier to observe the situation and the intent behind it. (yes i am very scientific method about dating, perhaps that’s why i’m so often single.)
so i guess the point of this post is a warning to ladies out there. if you’re seeing a guy and he’s trying not to kiss you or fuck you, they already have someone else. also, don’t think that just cause you’re s-ing his d he’ll leave his girlfriend for you. they never do. helping a guy cheat gets you nowhere. plus, you wouldn’t want it done to you. golden rule and all that crap.
*in every cheating scenario sleeping over is never permitted. if a guy leaves right after or asks you to, he probably has a girlfriend.
this has been a super personal, confessional post. judge away.
maybe i don't actually want to be all "in a relationship"
you can’t stumble in drunk at 3am from staying late at the bar, change into lesbian cotton shorts, an incredibly unboobflattering tanktop and pink fuzzy slippers and proceed to pop pizza rolls into the toaster oven and watch doctor who when you live with a boyfriend, can you?
if i can’t do all those things together in that order, then what’s the point of living?
yeah, maybe i need to stay single for a few years longer.
i feel like i’m constantly waiting. waiting for him to tell me. every time he calls to chat or wants to hang out it feels like he’s going to tell me. tell me that it’s finally happened. that he and his girlfriend have finally broken up. again. for good.
but nope. we just hang out and watch tv together like the good friends we are. and it’s gad damn frustrating.